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Death of a Spouse


Speechless

This is the worst time of my life, in fact I feel that my life has nothing to give. My husband died 1/7/08, months before our 34th anniversay. I married him at 17, a week after graduation. Nobody gets it, really. I am told to get over it, but what is it? I have nobody to talk to, people say call but when you do they don't want to hear you cry, they want a nice safe conversation with no talk of death. These are the same people that you have listen to in their time of trouble. I cry every day and feel that I am losing it. I do not sleep, I do not lay in my bed, I do not stop thinking about him. I hate eating by myself, I do not go anywhere but church, (that is hard too because he was their every Sunday, he was a minister, I still look for him there). I have no one to talk to because they do not understand what it is like to lose it all. I thought I had lost it when my mom and dad passed, when we lost our home, when we lost our car to an accident but that was nothing and I do not know how to handle it. I am ill physically because of this, I never feel well. I did not have a perfect husband, he did not have a perfect wife, we are human with faults, but we loved each other and went through good and bad times together. I do feel blessed because some people will never know what love is. Some people think that a divorce is devastating, it is not even close. All I know to do is pray, that's all but I think that talking to people who unstand might help. I just want to make it through 1 day without crying, just 1.
  posted by Ricky's Wife on March 12, 2009


Comments:

I lost my husband that I married at the age of 18 we had been together since I was 15. Thursday March 19th would have been our 27th anniversary and Monday March 23rd he would have been 49. I know how you feel about having no one to talk to because I dont either. I lost him tragically on August 10th 2004 and I still think of him constantly and miss him so bad its not the same with out him. He committed suicide so that makes it even harder to deal with. Its been almost 5 years and theres not a day that goes by that I dont think of or miss him terribly. I cry if not every day every week.And the least little thing sets off those emotions just being at family gatherings and everyone else has their husband but me. I feel so alone. And we had 2 sons together and at the time he did it we had a 3month old grandson. now we have 2 granddaughters he missed out on. Believe me I know how bad it hurts.And I will be here anytime you need someone to listen to you because I know how it is having no family or friends to support me. No one knows how it feels unless they are in our shoes.
Sincerely Keiths wife

  posted by keithswife on March 24, 2009

Hi-
I am sorry to read about your struggles. I know what you mean that nobody else will ever understand quite what it is like to be in your shoes.
I read an interesting story in the book Man's Search for Meaning. It is about a therapist who is working with a patient who can't get over the death of his wife. The therapist asks whether the patient's wife would have suffered similarly if he had died first. The patient responds that she certainly would have been inconsolable.. So the therapist points out that, by surviving his wife, he had actually saved her from a lot of suffering and grief.
You have done the same -- by outliving your husband you have taken on the weight of loss rather than the other way around. Take care - you are not as alone as you think.

  posted by Huron on March 26, 2009

I feel like this is written by me. My husband died 12-29-06.We were married 27 years. For the longest time I felt he would be home any minute. That it was just a bad dream or a terrible joke. I think crying everyday is a part of the healing and I never realized that first year that I was just here in body, I have no ideal where the rest of me was, but It hit me one day that I had been in somekind of mental fog and I was starting to come out of it. I looked everywhere for someone to talk to that actually would talk, I never found what I was looking for. People treat me
like it was my dream or nightmare, deal with it or that I would fall apart if his name was even mentioned. I did almost have 2 breakdowns that first year, but it was more from not having a deep heartfelt conversation with anyone and feeling totally alone than the menton of his name. I tried seeing a shrink but she was more into her emotions than mine so I stopped going.
I don't mean to be selfish or self centered in this email but I think actually getting to vent some of the frustration over what I've been through will help me, and I want you to be able to do the same to me and maybe we can help each other.
I don't care what it is you want to say, I want to hear it. (or read it) So if you feel the same way email me back.
I'm still going through the process myself.

  posted by elusian on April 10, 2009

Dear Speechless:
On June 6, 2001, I came home for lunch and found my husband sitting in our living room. He was dead. Apparently, he had just slipped away. I understand fully what you are saying. Following the funeral, I went into a deep depression. I could not eat, I could not sleep and I felt as if I was going to explode all the time. As you said, people kept saying "it is going to be okay." Wow, I felt like my life was over. We were married for 24 years. We had some wonderful times together. We raised four children. I had three from a previous marriage. He came into our life and became the best "daddy" in the world to my kids. We had a daughter together in 1984. No perfect marriage, but a good marriage. No perfect husband, but a good husband. No perfect wife, but a good wife. My life has been changed forever. I became so dependent on everyone else after I had been basically self sufficient for years. GOD brought me out of it so wonderfully. I cannot really pinpoint my date of deliverance. It just happened. Church is a blessing, especially if you are receiving consolation there and I pray you are. Hold on to GOD'S hand. I found great comfort in just talking to GOD personally and also talking to my husband. We were suppose to spend our old age together. GOD had other plans for both of us. I feel your pain but I know you will be alright. The GOD we love and serve is right there with you. You are in my prayers from now on. Love, Joan

  posted by Lovely on April 11, 2009

Ricky's wife.
I have to agree with you about the death of your husband being the worst time of your life. My husband passed away 6/28/08, just a couple of days before my birthday and a couple of months before our 54th wedding anniversary. Like you I married young and the only guy I ever dated more than a couple of times. A friend invited me to have lunch with her today and I found myself talking about my sweetheart most of the time. She appeared to be a good listener but this evening I worry that I was a bore. My eyes welled up with tears as I talked about him even though I tried so hard not to let that happen. There hasn't been a day that I haven't cried as well. A fellow just told me a few nights ago at choir practice--- he knew how I felt because he had just lost his grandmother. I WANTED TO SCREAM!!!!!!! How could anyone possibly think that losing a grandparent even comes close to losing your spouse. You are so right people do not understand. I love your honesty --- you are not trying to sanctify your husband --by saying you did not have a perfect husband and he didn't have a perfect wife but you loved each other through the good times and the bad. I feel exactly the same way and I do feel blessed as well because many couples never have that wonderful feeling of love. I will say my husband was a better care giver than me....how I miss all of those things now. Speechless, I do get massages for that personal touch. There is one girl I use who is wonderful. Her hand never leaves you. This person knows of my loss and she is so compassionate. Your loss is so much fresher than mine by 6 months. I actually was better the first part than the past several months. In
February I just lost it. I think I was on auto-pilot, numb, in denial, and who knows what else those first months. I had a lot of business things to take care of ... but I think the biggie was the denial part. I kept thinking he was just away and would be home. I still have his clothes and all yet...I don't know when I can handle that.
This site is good in that we can just type our hearts away and I believe it does help. I found my husband gone when I came downstairs. I was talking to him on the way down...he was sitting on the couch in my daughters family room with his back to me holding a glass of orange juice---waiting for everyone to get ready to go out to breakfast and then we were to leave to stay in a timeshare for a week. We live in another state now rather than our home state. Planning the funeral...I don't know how I got through it. He was buried on my birthday...the 3rd of July. The only place I really go is church as well and we had a certainly pew which was only for two people. I am so thankful they have redo the sanctuary and those few pews for two people are no longer there. I have a hard time praying...tomorrow is church and I need to prepare myself for bed----hoping I have a decent night's sleep.

Hugs and blessings to you.

  posted by plainjane on May 30, 2009