Death of a Spouse

I know how it feels I lost my husband August 10th 2004 and I still miss him terribly and cry all the time. But he commited suicide. And believe me you do have a reason to live. It will get better you will still have days you miss him so bad and cry. But you are still young I am 45 years old. And I dont want to ever find another man because it hurts so bad to lose the one you love and I met him at 15 and married him at 18 and March 19 would have been our 27th anniversary and Monday March 23 he would have been 49. And I have no family support I have 2 sons by him and all everyone in my family ever tells me is get over it its been almost 5 years.Thank god I have a grief therapist that sees me at least once a week or every other week. I would go crazy if I didnt have her to listen to me.She even cries with me. She tells me it will get better but I will never get over it because of seeing him doing it and not getting to say goodbye or I Love You for the last time there was no closure. so if you need someone I am always here to listen.

Hi, No one will ever really know how you feel..but on August 10, 1999, I lost the love of my life as well. I was really young and all this happened unexpectanly. He was murdered and we had a 6 month old baby at the time..My life seemed as if it was falling apart..All I would hear constantly was "Everything is going to be okay" or "I'm sorry about your loss" but in all reality, I wasn't okay..Here I was with a 6month old baby and my love was gone and gone forever.. I moved back to my parents home and I covered up my hurt with drug use...I sought for help and started to go to church and i met some wonderful people that actually care and so many women that had actually gone through the same thing we have gone through. I also looked into therapy for grief and loss...and oh my god did that work for me ...I mean it was unbelieveable...i shared so much and cried my life away and i finally was able to move on in life...well here i am almost ten years later ..and it is still hard especially during the holidays but it gets better...two years ago i remarried and had a daughter my relationship is great and the good thing is that my significant other is so supportive ...I still once in a while attend grief and loss therapy and this is what has helpes me get by....Life gets better and remember God works in mysterious ways and your husband is in a better place... Be strong and God Bless you,,,,

I lost my wife two months ago and understand your lost. I am so hurt and confuse. It's the most painful experience and will last a lifetime. People will always tell you "Life goes on", "Time will heal", "Move on", blah blah.... but they don't really know how it feels or what to say to comfort you. You are absolutely right when you say, "They don't understand". Recently I found a support group for Bereavement who lose their spouse. This group has a better understanding of what you are going thru however what you go thru is purely individual as well. I don't have much of family or friends therefore I am running for help and crying everyday.

I am 33 and I lost my 27 year old fiancee to cancer last November and it is the worst thing I have ever experienced; there are no words to describe. We lived together for 2 years and she was pregnant with our child when she was diagnosed, the child was aborted because of the chemo therapy.
Even though we weren’t married we were closer than most married couples I know…she was my best friend. The circumstances of her passing were not unusually , but she left this world at total odds with some of her family, whom many suffer from emotional disorders which only, in my shared opinion and the opinion of the hospital staff, insanely compounded the situation; their behavior was egregious, vile, despicable, shameful and heinous. My fiancee had to witness her family engage in this manner on her death bed, I can say no more.

My fiancee also left behind a beautiful daughter whom is with her biological father, she and her mom have literally been taken from the future I planned for all of us. It has been difficult; the memories, the pain haunts me relentlessly and mercilessly. I am the only person she conveyed her fears, concerns, questions, hopes and wishes too before she passed. I miss her infinitely I can't describe my feelings any more than that, I was ready to die when she did, I call out to her everyday. The pain of getting off of work and not seeing her is so hard, the pain of not talking with her, the pain of not sharing absolutely everything is soul shredding, I mean I feel like my soul is ACTUALLY being shredded. I can't express my pain enough and it is highly frustrating because words can't do it, they simply can't!
I must say what little solace I am slowly experiencing hasn't come solely through religion or spirituality, but through therapy especially cognitive therapy in addition to expression, much like we all are doing on this blog. This is what has helped me as I am somewhat of a logical person and trying to solely use religion or spirituality wasn't working for me, It only enhanced the torrential pain for me by leaving too many unanswered question. Not saying that I try to block myself from grieving at times, but when it feels like I am going to sink into depression or engage in unsafe behavior or when my mind starts to race uncontrollably, I apply cognitive reasoning and logic to my emotions and or feelings. It works for me.
It is going on five (5) months and I am still here. Just when I thought I would make it another day, just when I thought the next person who said, "life goes on, time will heal, blah blah blah," was about to get slapped and just after I nearly died from damn near alcohol poisoning and awoke in the hospital it happened... I started to adjust and in a sense, for me at least, things did get better with time.

Unfortunately when people saying things like, "... it gets better with time" , is ridiculous and insensitive because when we experience a loss we want to feel better immediately, it's not comforting to hear that we should just wait to feel better. The comfort that comes from time will only come from that....time and this is something we have no control over. It is almost pointless to say such a statement and has always hurt and infuriated me to hear it.

My therapy will continue indefinently; it actually started when my fiancee was in her final stages. However, I have not seeked additional therapy since she passed, I think it's because I don't want to revisit those memories at this time, I will though eventually. When I needed therapy the most was immediately after she passed and I almost inadvertently killed myself as a result. I urge you to go seek out additional resources for healing, that is what it ultimately comes down to for us, healing. You may be so stricken with grief right now, but understand the path to recovery and healing has started already, that's why you are on this blog.
No words can comfort enough, you will naturally endure and heal, just find the best path to take to get there. Seek additional means for healing. I'll pray for you...God Bless.

I lost my 38 year old husband/best friend/constant companion in July 2007, so about 21 months ago. I will never get over his death. I found him at home on his office floor, completely gone, in rigormortis, and have been haunted ever since. I want to say it will cease - it won't. The minister of our church performed his funeral, and he and his wife lost a son 6 years prior. They said to my family and I to never let anyone say when our grief should be complete because it will never go away. That is everyone else's uneasiness with the situation. It is irritating and painful when life returns to normal for everyone else but "normal" will never exist in your world again. It hasn't returned for me for I have changed. I feel like a freak. I am changed, hurting, devastated, etc. My, our future, our plans are no longer valid. The man I wanted to grow old with is gone. How do I create a new life for my daughter and I when all I want is my life back? I feel her pain. I feel my pain. I feel my /his family's pain.

I started reading a book recently titled "A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss" by Gerald Sittser. It is astonishing how my life paralleled his during this time. I recently had an emotional breakdown and that was close to 2 years after his death. Shock ran my life for a while, then I kept so busy that I ran myself ragged, then I was slammed by the pain when the shock ran off, went through a depression, and then pushed the grief away with anger and finally broke down.

We are all different in the way we process our feelings and grief. I sought out psychics, became more spiritual, yelled at him, spoke to him and tried to make him so mad that he would haunt me!! I gave up trying to raise the dead eventually. I am not at peace. I hurt daily. My bed is lonely. My friends are all with their kids/spouses in the evenings when I should be with him. It isn't fair. I have dated to try to fill the companionship void, but it doesn't work because I want him.

You have suffered so much loss. 2 husbands and a child and all before 30. All I can say from MY heart is to cry, scream, feel, hurt, sleep, exercise, eat, remember, laugh, live - because your heart is beating - we have no choice there, and honor the ones you loved by trying to return to your life as they knew and loved you. I try to follow that, but it really is just blowing sunshine. I am afraid to love again for the inhernet risk of additional loss, but I want that feeling back. Noone but a bereaved spouse can understand - noone. How do you explain having your whole world feel like it ended when it just keeps spinning out of control?

I wish I could help. Give you a hug. Sit with you at 3 a.m. when insomnia hits because you either have the tv or radio on because you can't handle the silence - that's when the thoughts seep in. It is hell we feel. So "life goes on" - yes it does, BUT it is sooooooooo different and painful and unfair and sad and devastating and full of desire for something we can no longer hold onto. I understand isolation, loneliness and haunting memories. I can't say I know anymore than you because you have gone through soooo much more. I willed my heart to stop, but alas it didn't. Hang in there. There is a plan for your life. I know I sound cheesy, but please hang in there. It doesn't stop the hurt. Try to read that book. It describes us so well. Take care of you.

Last note, I can't stand the phrase "I am so sorry for your loss." It is my not knowing how to answer. It is all people know how to say. I would rather say what I heard from a young guy at a store - "That sucks." It does. Your situation SUCKS!! My situation SUCKS!! It is a deadly pain, but we will make it through this. You have before. Find a group and tell people you need them. Implore your family to help you. Write a grief letter to everyone letting them know that you are NOT okay. I hurt so badly for you. Please take care of you!!