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Death of a Spouse


i miss him soo much

Robbie was not my husband but he was a boyfriend of mine! I was his first real love! I didn't take away his virginity but I was the only one he has truly loved and he never stopped! He passed away almost 5 months ago & it's something that I can not get over! I can't stop thinking about him! I even had a weird dream about him last night that was disturbing but all at the same time a relief just to see him and feel close to him! In your life you will be that one person that would do anything for you & always have your back and always be there for you no matter the circumstances! It says that he died of a drug overdose. We have had problems with drugs in our past but I straightened my life out but he was still struggling but we still remained close. I feel horrible because he BEgged me to hang out with him that day and I said no because I thought he was using and I didn't want to be around it! I told him to be clean the next day & I would hang out with him! Well, the next day never came because he passed away! I know people say I shouldn't blame myself but I know if I would of just listened to him & hung out with him that his death would of never happened... Well, at least I don't think so! I just dont know how to get over something like this! It pains me to think that I'll never meet a great person like he was ever again in my life! He was so funny and had the biggest heart that I have ever seen! Even though he was struggling the the devils addiction which is a disease he was still a person! The greatest person I have ever met! Some people are to quick to judge people but I look at a person for who they truly are inside. I always wish I could go back and do something different! I hate thinking that it's to late! You shouldn't ever hold back any feelings that you have for anyone especially because your afraid of what other people think! because their may be a time that it's to late! But they say everything happens for a reason! My greatest memories are with him & He will be someone that I will never ever forget! It's just so hard because I've never had to deal with something like this because I'm young and haven't seen many people die ! Especially someone that wonderful! I I guess it was a shock and it's something that was not expected because he was only 26 years old
  posted by stephydelpy on June 29, 2009


Comments:

is anyone here?

  posted by stephydelpy on June 29, 2009

I just want you to know that you are not alone. I lost my boyfriend to a drug overdose and I know first hand how much pain you are in right now I also know that often the people closest to us just don't understand. And it makes the grief so much harder to deal with.

I just want you to know that I do understand. Your pain. Your anger. Your disbelief. Your guilt. All of it. People will tell you they know what you're going through. But they don't. Even I don't - I may have experienced something similar but loss is so personal. And I hope that in time the great memories you have of Robbie will outnumber all of the would have, could have, should haves.

You mentioned you regret not hanging out with him that night. But Alanon teaches you didn't cause it and you can't fix it. A hard thing to accept. Took me a very long time to accept this so I won't tell you not to feel guilty. You've got to experience the whole range of emotions that you're going through now. But I promise that if you keep in mind that he would never want you to take on such responsibility for his actions or death. When your mind starts to go to a place of guilt - know that it's normal - but try to focus on the positive. On the way he made you laugh and the big heart he had. He would never want to see you in such pain. If he could turn back the clocks he'd take it all away.

Best advice I have is to see a counsellor. Either a grief counsellor or someone who specializes in addiction. They can help you deal with how to put the pieces of your life back together without him in it. They can help you deal with the death of the hope you had for a future with him. Because that's really the hardest part of this isn't it? It was for me. I had been with my Billy for 9 years off and on he was 33. He had been clean for over a year before he relapsed and overdosed 3 years ago. It still hurts. But I promise in time you will see that you never get over it - but you will get through it.

  posted by MysticGirl38 on July 02, 2009